I want a meaningful life

After I wrote I want a meaningful death, I came to & realized that such a death needs to be prefaced by a meaningful life. For a long time I’ve been unsatisfied with my circumstances & self-perception & have struggled to find a sense of purpose in this world. My search for answers is what led me to individuals like Cal Newport & James Scholz, two of my biggest heroes. They each represent a different area that I find to be lacking in my life. Truth be told, there’s a few more people that I should add to that note, as I’ve found there to be a bigger void than I had originally expected. Let’s discuss…

I am not built for a normal life. I find I do not fit in with what is expected of me & such has been the case for my whole life. I’ve always been an outsider that found their way in to the inside at the cost of self-realization & self-acceptance. The effects of this can be felt now. I do not wish to do what the masses do. I want to be involved in something not anybody can do. I want to push myself & be a beacon of strength to those around me. I want people to look at me & say “yeah, I don’t know how you do it.” I want a difficult life. I want discipline. I want pride. I want understanding of things many refuse to acknowledge out of fear. I want to go to bed everyday feeling like I did something, feeling that if I did have to die in bed, that at least I did what I had to do & what I wanted to do. I want to share with the people I care about & I want to spend time helping them, listening to them.