I Want a Meaningful Death

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about death. Not so much in a suicidal kind of way, but in my general passing. People tend to have some sort of taboo with the topic of dying, especially of choosing—to the degree possible—the way in which they want to go. It’s like it’s expected of you to want to die for reasons outside your control, if not due to complications from old age. As it happens, I don’t want that at all.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of watching an interview done to Yukio Mishima in which he shared his thoughts & desires on his death, among other things. It was when I watched this interview that I came across one of the most resonant ideas up to that point in my life. I came to realize that I had the same desire as him of having a meaningful death. Before that fateful day, I wouldn’t think about death at all. I was much, much younger too & didn’t bother with that type of subject. I would live forever, after all. I won’t lie & say that my life instantly changed after that interview, because I would be lying if I said it did. The change was gradual, hidden under many layers where it would spread its roots to the present.

I didn’t join the military because it would bring me closer to that death, no. I joined out of the blue because I felt drawn to what could come from it. As I learned more being in, I came to understand that this is a very plausible road to that death, if I allow it to be so. The Air Force has been kind to me so far & if did not want death like that, then I would not have it. I do, so it can allow me to have it. This is why my considerations to seek it out have actually begun. Many questions follow this line of thinking… Will I stay in the service, then? Will I choose to leave the comfort of this base & seek out something that I can not fathom in its entirety? Because that’s another thing… I want this death but I cannot begin to imagine the truth of what it entails. Nobody can ever grasp being at the cups of death until you actually find yourself there. “What if you find yourself there & realize that you don’t actually want to go out that way?” I find it unlikely but not impossible. Were it to be so, I would be grateful of having the experience, as it’s what would show me my true desire, & work to find myself where I want to be then.

“Death in the modern age, whether due to illness or accident, is devoid of drama. We live in an age where there is no heroic death.”
— 三島 由紀夫 - Yukio Mishima on WWII and Death - Full NHK Interview (1966

With all this being said, a question arises. What would be a meaningful death? To me, the answer to that is death in the name of something. I was going to say death with meaning but all death means something. The thing is that the meaning is not the same for everybody. If you die of complications of old age, you can say it means that you took good care of yourself. You could also say that you just got lucky, or any other possible explanation for it. In my eyes, dying of such a cause lacks the meaning that I want it to have: dying in the name of something. When you die for a cause—when you die for something greater than yourself—you are remembered. You become part of a group of people that are remembered not individually, but in regards of what they did. I would love to be remembered not for me, but as what I was doing to earn that death.

Truth is, however, that in order to seek out a meaningful death I must first live a meaningful life…